She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
