i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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