One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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