You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
