as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
