he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
