Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
