forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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