I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
