hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
