Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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