i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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