I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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