we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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