i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
