tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
