Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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