I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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