I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
