I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize