Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize
