If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Randomize
