just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I am one with the molecules
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
