Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
what is it with giant penises always finding me
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
