I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
My ATM looks so different sober.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
