I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
