if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
i would punch a child for taco bell
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
