I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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