Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
