I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
