So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
