Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Randomize
