not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Randomize
