I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
