Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
