Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Randomize
