HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
