Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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