I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Randomize
