On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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