I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
