Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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