I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
