i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
