god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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