in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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