so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Randomize
