please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Randomize
