Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
