sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
