My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
