using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
