I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
A+ Viking dick
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
