Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
