can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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