i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
