Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize